What does each CS team want for Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve (no, mainlanders, the 24th is not Christmas Day. Jesus would be very disappointed in you), and it’s probably too late to do your shopping, unless you’re really brave.

Fortunately, there’s a big fat bearded man and his busy team of elves doing that work for you - and there’s a whole lot of teams desperate for something juicy from his sack of treats.

Pause.

1: Vitality - A bigger trophy cabinet

Not much more to say here. Vitality win so much that there can’t be much room left at the HQ.

2: FURIA - Fresh water from the Fountain of Youth

FURIA don’t really need much at all, but if there was anything that could really tip them over the edge it’d be FalleN at the top of his game. Yes, he wouldn’t be AWPing, but he was a very capable rifler back in his pomp as well, and that might have stopped them bottling it at the Major.

3: Team Falcons - One more star! One more star!

Surely one more star will fix my problems. Just one more star. One more fix bro. I can quit whenever I want.

It does seem like this one might actually fix them, if the rumours of Jimpphat joining instead of TeSeS are true, as the roles will probably sort of balance out. Rumours of Aleksib’s reuniting with NiKo won’t hurt, either, though we are surprised they bothered with an IGL and didn’t have NiKo IGL and sign huNter-, or something. Or s1mple.

4: MOUZ - Liquid courage

It feels sometimes like MOUZ could be the best team in the world if they just had a bit more belief, a bit more courage. A couple bottles of liquid courage might be a nice gift for the MOUZ player in your life.

Or a real IGL. One of the two.

5: FaZe - A live studio audience

FaZe Clan are an absolutely world class team in front of a crowd, but rubbish when they aren’t. If we can set up some sort of Truman Show sort of deal where they’re always in front of a crowd, they’ll be the best team in the world. Even something like they have on the Big Bang Theory where they just laugh intermittently when karrigan does something stupid for the camera, that’d probably be enough.

6: The MongolZ - Senzu’s favourite snacks

Nothing is the same without Senzu, and there’s nobody in Mongolia quite like him ready to pick up. They’re going to have to tempt him back with food, or the promise of letting him beat bLitz in a game of chess for once, or a new puppy. Anything. Whatever it takes.

Snacks are the cheapest, so try there first.

7: NAVI - A flyswatter (or indeed, birdswatter)

NAVI really don’t want to lose Aleksib, or b1t, and both are likely to be in demand. Being able to swat away the prying hands of Falcons or whomever comes in for b1t would be bigger than any roster move coming in they could make, especially now makazze has found some form.

Falcons are probably going to give them a whole bunch of money for Christmas, though, which is quite a lazy gift.

8: Team Spirit - Camomile tea

donk needs to calm down sometimes, man. It might help sh1ro when he gets nervous too. Just chill out lads.

9: Aurora - A memory scrapbook

It’s probably not going to get any better for Aurora than the last two years, and it’d be nice for them to be able to look back and be proud of what they’ve achieved and not worry about what comes next, ‘cause it ain’t going to be nearly as pretty. They need changes, they need fresh faces, and it doesn’t look like they’re going to get it.

10: G2 - A new mousemat for MATYS

We’re sick of looking at it.

Everyone else

We’re an equal opportunity gifter, just like the big red man, and as such it’s not just the biggest teams in the world in need of a present.

• Team Liquid - An invisibility cloak

Some time away from the spotlight just to regain their composure and figure stuff out would do them a whole world of good. Just some chill time. They look stressed out 24/7.

• Astralis - A Refrag subscription

What do you get when you have a team of role players and a declining dev1ce? No firepower. We’re not sponsored, but we do think playing 2-4 hours of Refrag a day might help them shoot back.

• fnatic - A PR manager

You used to be loved, revered, feared. Now you’re mocked, hated and reviled. Some of it is natural, but some of it is because you screwed CYPHER over and you’re never getting that love back. A PR manager might stop you doing it again, at least.

• FlyQuest - A travel pillow, eye mask and noise-cancelling headphones

These guys do a lot of flying to events, and quite quickly after, flying back. Might as well make it comfortable.

• 3DMAX - A love potion or two

French CS could be back, if the best French team could have either of the two best French players. They don’t have the money to tempt apEX and ZywOo away from possibly the greatest team of all time, so their best bet is to coax them with the help of some sort of potentially illegal herbology.

• 100Thieves - A rabbit’s foot and a lottery ticket

These guys are going to need a hell of a lot of luck to start from the bottom and get to the Major - just ask NIP - and we do not have the requisite money to sign any half decent core, including the GamerLegion one (allegedly).They’d need to win the lottery, or failing that, hold onto the lucky rabbit’s foot.

• Wildcard Gaming - A subscription to Complexity AI

We hear it’s much better than ChatGPT for this sort of thing.

Whether you’re on Santa’s naughty list (Stewie2k) or his nice list, every team in the world dreams of getting exactly what they need this player break; but unfortunately some of them are going to have to put up coal in their stockings.

Metaphorically.

It’s Christmas, so if you wanted a more serious article looking at what these teams might want, you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time. You’re going to have to wait until New Year’s.

Merry Christmas, all!